Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is