If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
You Might Also Like
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Geez man, take it easy.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Can. I. Help. You.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though