I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.