[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.