Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
#parenting
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone