Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I identify as an antique shop.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.