I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
selena gomez
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week