The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs