I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
HELP 😭
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
#Thanos #MondayMood
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.