I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.