Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it