As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 馃槶
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: 岬掅稜 岫溼祾食岬査⑨祲 矢岬掅禈 岬兪翅祲
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Lmao 馃ぃ
So 10鈥檚 school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
It鈥檚 amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they鈥檝e gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife鈥檚 ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
What鈥檚 Biden鈥檚 plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I鈥檓 a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?