king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?