That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?