Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Google assistant rules
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
figuring out my emotional availability:
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end