My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful