This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
It’s a gift
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)