Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.