Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Those are good neighbors.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has