*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
That’s amazing.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.