“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”