I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You Might Also Like
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.