*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono