Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I never needed anything more in my life
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
#Caturday
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room