DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco