[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
You Might Also Like
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I need better friends
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.