“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers