Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
me before I type out affect or effect
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?