ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
peeping toms