Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.