Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
be careful
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go