I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”