My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.