Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
You Might Also Like
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.