One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
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“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
How software testing works
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Ghost costume 😂
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)