GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Solving a traffic jam
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther