I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on