My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy