when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”