The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.