Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car