The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.