[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?