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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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