I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts