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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Does this dress make me look cat?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself