Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
🤣😂🤣
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”