Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The struggle is real.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on