WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.