Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms